Many of the people I hear about are reaching out because they are dealing with a spouse who has left them. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes there are definable problems within the marriage that definitely need to be resolved. But other times, spouses leave for more vague reasons, which can make things particularly frustrating and difficult. An example of this is a spouse who leaves because “they just aren’t happy.”
The spouse who has stayed behind might say, “My husband started complaining about how unhappy he was about nine months before he left. So I knew he would probably leave me in search of his elusive happiness. make this man happy. I’m starting to think he’s the kind of guy who’s determined to find fault with everything. Plus, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to make him any happier when I don’t even live with him and I can’t I see him every day. We met for coffee last week and I have to admit he seemed a little livelier than the last time I saw him. I made a comment outside he told me he didn’t know of any couples who reconciled after they one of them left out of unhappiness. my husband said we know very few separated couples anyway. and he was making a silly generalization. not sure why he induces me this way. he c learly wouldn’t come back to me until be faith liz. And, as far as I can tell, someone’s happiness is not something the other spouse can fix. I mean, if I was a nasty, judgmental wife and this was driving my husband crazy, then that’s something I could fix. But I can’t fix that he’s generally an unhappy person. I guess my real question is do spouses who leave for vague reasons, like not being happy, ever come back? Because I honestly can’t imagine my husband proclaiming that he’s suddenly happy when there’s nothing he can do to fix the problem anyway.”
I know how frustrating this must be for you. You feel like you’re trying to tackle something you can’t even see, let alone fix. But it might be helpful to know that I’ve heard of couples who reconciled after one partner left because of general unhappiness or a general feeling that her life could be better. And, my own husband came back and we are still married today when at least one of the reasons he left was vague unhappiness.
From my own observations, here are some common reasons couples end up reconciling when one of them leaves due to unhappiness.
The unhappy spouse gets counseling or seeks other help: If your spouse is unhappy for reasons that have very little to do with your marriage (which is certainly not out of the question), then, as you know, it’s very hard for you to change things. But someone who is qualified and trained to deal with this can definitely turn things around. Seeing a specialist who can get to the heart of the problem and offer a real change in perspective can be life changing. And once these spouses begin to experience true happiness again, they are often much more receptive to their marriage. This change does not always occur through formal counseling. Sometimes the unhappy spouse chooses to go the self-help route or trusts a priest or other qualified third party.
The unhappy spouse sees that living alone did not increase their level of happiness: Sometimes people project a lot of their problems onto their marriages. The core of your spouse’s unhappiness may actually be stress, your job, or undiagnosed depression. But he assumes it’s you or the marriage because those things are easy targets. Fortunately, though, he sometimes drops those things only to find out that he isn’t any happier or is actually more unhappy on his own. And once he realizes this, then there really is no reason to continue the separation.
“Unhappiness” is code for legitimate marital problems that are addressed: Sometimes people will tell you they’re not happy when they’re actually reacting to a problem that might actually have a name. For example, a husband might tell her that he just isn’t happy when what she really means is that she sometimes feels lonely in her own marriage because neither of them is as caring or perceptive as she could be.
So what happens sometimes is that one or both of you will work on these things during the separation. And your spouse will notice the changes and come to believe that the problems have been fixed or greatly improved. With major problems out of the way, then it’s safe to return home to a new and improved marriage.
This happened in my case. Before leaving, my husband had no qualms about lamenting and showing his unhappiness. But this did nothing to give me insight into the fact that he was feeling a bit abandoned by a spouse who had a huge workload and was struggling under the pressure (while taking it out on him). I had to do a lot of research and asking open-ended questions before I could figure out what the real problem was. Once I was able to address this, things got better. Because his unhappiness wasn’t really the problem, it was a very specific problem in our marriage.