Is it just me or do some managers have a knack for looking the other way when it comes to bad behavior and conflicts at work? Managing people isn’t easy for a myriad of reasons, but when we as employees bring our little red wagons to work full of past “issues” and don’t get along with others, it can be overwhelming for some bosses. Of course it’s not fair when we dump the contents of the wagon at a manager’s feet and expect him to fix everything, but that shouldn’t give those who oversee us a free pass to ignore what’s right in front of them. So why do they do it? One answer that may come to mind is that they simply don’t have people running businesses. But in reality, the truth is probably closer to one of these four possible reasons:
1. I can’t find the start line
“I just don’t know where to start!” Fixing personal problems at the office is a lot like taking a bunch of chains and lockets that have been lost in the back of the jewelry box and trying to figure out which knot goes with which chain. It’s easier to throw them back and move on. The same is true when managers can see that something needs to be done, but are overwhelmed with the complicated details. Sorting out who said what and who did what to whom and why they did it when they did it takes time. Add to that the expectation that you need to make a wise decision, like Solomon’s, and even the strongest leader will want to run the other way.
Instead of spinning his wheels, it’s better for him to collect information piece by piece. It doesn’t really matter where you start, as long as you start with an open mind and listen to what your employees are telling you, including reading between the lines. Figuring out that “always” and “never” may not really mean every time or that an employee’s office-sitting for a co-worker is probably more due to feeling left out than seniority is key to figuring things out . Asking open-ended questions is an effective method to understand what motivates employees. It’s also a great way to analyze complicated problems involving people, systems, and policies.
2. You don’t want to look bad
Some managers think that if they keep quiet about their team’s problems, no one will notice. That’s like putting green paint on a dying plant and asking colleagues to believe you’re driving. You may call him a coward or a coward, but what drives you to ignore a conflict is your fear that the situation will reflect negatively on him and his management skills. What they may not realize is that the reputation of a supervisor who denies suffers because others, especially those looking for something to criticize, can clearly see what he thinks he is hiding and can also see his attempts to cover things up. . I once had a manager sit our department down and say, “What happens with this team stays within this team; we don’t tell anyone.” I’m not sure who he thought he was fooling, but it certainly couldn’t have been any of us or any of his companions. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in the office could see our dysfunction and fired him shortly after his announcement.
Like our endorsement of the celebrity or disgraced politician, we love contrition and often find it hard to walk away from someone who admits their flaws. Helping a colleague when they’re down makes us feel better about ourselves, and helping a struggling boss has the potential to benefit our own careers in the long run. Does that mean we should help our manager hide conflicts? No. Which means we need to find a private and confidential time to let you know that there’s no shame in getting the right help for the right problem and, in fact, it’s a smart move. Find a way to let him know that putting together a conflict resolution plan really paints you as a leader, problem solver, and manager who has the ability to fix almost anything. Who wouldn’t want that reputation?
3. You have “real work” to do
Focusing too much on negative emotions during a conflict can make your boss feel like a babysitter and sternly reply, “You two have to figure it out!” When faced with the pressures of balancing an impossible budget or overseeing every detail of a large project, your manager may feel that any personal disputes are secondary to your success and that you should put your energies into the important work your boss is doing. expect me to do done. Talking about how someone hurt your feelings will only make him feel like a shrink, a parent, or an unwitting confidante, all of which he sees as outside his realm of responsibility.
What you may not understand, however, is that managing people well does show up in the final product. The costs associated with ongoing conflict can be staggering, and he would be in his best interest to resolve issues before they escalate to the point where valuable employees leave, production halts, or customer service suffers. A company’s reputation is an aggregation of its products, its people, and its culture. If two organizations provide identical services to a community and one has employees who let their internal conflicts leak to clients, it is not unreasonable to think that current or potential clients will choose the one with good conflict management approaches. Describing personal conflicts as events that affect business success can make it easier for a boss to digest. Saying, “I’m concerned about the quality of my reports because I’m having a hard time getting timely information from Joe” is a more productive way of expressing a concern than saying, “Joe is an idiot and every time I try to talk to him about his numbers it makes me cry”.
4. I can’t see the problem
Remember when you were a kid and someone said something you didn’t want to hear, so you’d put your fingers in your ears and sing “La la la” to drown it out? There may be days when you think your boss is doing the adult version of that song because he doesn’t really seem to understand that there’s a problem at all. The truth is that there may be a problem that is affecting you, but for him it is not a problem because he cannot see it from your perspective. Responses like “Don’t you see he’s kidding?” or, “Just get over it” or even, “It’s really not a big deal” are typical responses for managers who may not understand how deeply one coworker’s actions or words can affect another.
There may be times when no matter how often you try to point out a conflict to your boss, he shakes his head in bewilderment. What he may need is for you to find a different way to explain it. Giving him concrete (and emotionless) examples of how specific behaviors affect the job at hand might be something he could relate to. Phrasing the problem in terms of decreased productivity, broken communication flows, or simply that the department isn’t living up to its potential for greatness (and how well it would reflect on it if it did!) might be just what you’re looking for.
So what can you do if you’ve tried to approach your boss with what you think are workable solutions to a workplace conflict and nothing changes? If you feel that you have sincerely tried to understand your reasons for not acting, looked at it from their perspective, and approached the discussion from a non-emotional point of view, then reaching out to Human Resources or an outside conflict resolution professional may be the answer. They can both point you to resources and tools, such as conflict counseling and neutral mediators, to defuse the situation and improve working relationships. And, if that doesn’t work, she has the option of continuing to function within the confines of the current environment or planning a graceful exit. If you choose to stay, work to control your own reactions to the conflict and if you choose to leave, as tempting as it may be to shout from the rooftops that you’re delighted to leave this lousy, clueless boss in the dust, choose your words carefully in the process. so you can move on to greener pastures with your reputation and integrity intact.