What IS assertive communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest, and direct way. Recognize our rights while respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfactory solution where there is a conflict.
So why use assertive communication?
We all use assertive behavior at times … very often when we feel vulnerable or insecure of ourselves, we may resort to submissive, manipulative, or aggressive behavior.
However, being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this type of behavior. It allows us to change old patterns of behavior for a more positive approach to life. I have found that changing my response to others (whether it’s coworkers, clients, or even my own family) can be exciting and challenging.
The advantages of assertive communication
There are many advantages of assertive communication, the most notable of which are:
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It helps us feel good about ourselves and others.
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It leads to the development of mutual respect with others.
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Increase our self-esteem
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Helps us achieve our goals
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Minimize hurting and alienating other people.
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Reduces anxiety
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Protects us from being taken advantage of by others
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It allows us to make decisions and choose freely in life.
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It allows us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative.
There are, of course, downsides …
Disadvantages of assertive communication
Others may not approve of this style of communication or may not approve of the opinions you express. Also, having a healthy respect for someone else’s rights means that you won’t always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a point of view you held. But most importantly, as mentioned above, it involves the risk that others do not understand and therefore do not accept this style of communication.
What Assertive Communication Is Not …
Assertive communication is definitely NOT a lifestyle! It is NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It is definitely NOT an acceptable communication style for everyone, but at least it is NOT aggressive.
But it’s about choice
Four behavioral choices
The way I see it, there are four choices you can make about the communication style you can employ. These types are:
direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, overwhelming, bigoted, stubborn, and authoritarian
indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceptive, ambiguous, suggestive, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
submissive: crying, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive and apologetic
assertive: direct, honest, tolerant, responsible and spontaneous
Assertive communication characteristics
There are six main characteristics of assertive communication. These are:
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eye contact: show interest, show sincerity
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Body posture: consistent body language will enhance the meaning of the message.
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gestures: appropriate gestures help add emphasis
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voice: a level and well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and not intimidating
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time: use your judgment to maximize responsiveness and impact
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content – how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than what you say
The Importance of “I” Statements
Part of being assertive involves the ability to adequately express your needs and feelings. You can achieve this by using “I” statements. They indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focus on behavior, identify the effect of behavior, are direct and honest, and contribute to the growth of the relationship between you.
Strong “I” statements have three specific elements:
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Behaviour
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Feeling
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Tangible effect (consequence for you)
Example: “I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don’t like having to repeat information.”
Six techniques for assertive communication
There are six assertive techniques, let’s look at each of them.
1. Behavior Rehearsal – which is literally practicing how you want to look and sound. This is a very useful technique when you first want to use “I” statements, as it helps to dispel any emotions associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behavior you want to confront.
2. Repeated Affirmation (The ‘Broken Record’): This technique allows you to feel comfortable ignoring manipulative verbal traps, argumentative baits, and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To use this technique most effectively, use quiet repetition, say whatever you want, and stay focused on the problem. You will find that it is not necessary to rehearse this technique and it is not necessary to “go overboard” in dealing with others.
Example:
“I would like to show you some of our products”
“No thanks, i do not care”
“I really have a great variety to offer you”
“That may be true, but I’m not interested at the moment.”
“Is there anyone else here who is interested?”
“I don’t want any of these products”
“Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?”
“Yes, I will bring a brochure”
“Thanks”
“You’re welcome”
3. Fogging: This technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without becoming anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this, you must acknowledge criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this might be: “I agree that there are probably times when I don’t give you answers to your questions.
4. Negative inquiry: this technique seeks criticism of yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of negative and honest feelings to improve communication. To use if you do need to hear critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful, or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, “So you think / think I’m not interested?”
5. Negative affirmation: this technique allows you to more comfortably look at the negative aspects of your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces the hostility of your critics. You must accept your mistakes or failures, but not apologize. Instead, tentatively and comprehensively agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, “Yes, you’re right. I don’t always listen carefully to what you have to say.”
6. Workable Commitment: When you feel that your self-worth is not in doubt, consider a workable commitment to the other person. You can always negotiate your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a question of self-esteem and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMMITMENT. An example of this technique would be: “I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I’m doing. So how about we meet in half an hour?”
conclusion
Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. Its application is contextual and it is not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived by others as an act of aggression.
There is also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.
“Nothing on earth can prevent the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude” WW Ziege