Arrow Books, 2007, $ 19.95 pb., P. 401, ISBN: 24681097531

If i’m lost or dead it is a heartbreaking and revealing book; And a page flipper! However, it is not fiction; it is an all-too-real scenario account of how women, even the beloved, intelligent and successful ones, can fall prey to men who hurt them: emotional, physical, life-threatening damage. This book is also a dedication to his younger sister, Amy, the beloved baby of the family. No one knew Amy was in trouble until she disappeared.

In hindsight, the signs were there, but it was too late. Amy was dead.

Janine? says my sister Jane. Have you heard from Amy?

He killed her, I tell him on the phone. That bastard killed her.

The only clue they have as to what happened to Amy is a note taped inside her desk at work:

In the event of my disappearance or death … I am afraid that I have put myself in danger in various ways …

Janine is an educated and successful woman; working journalist with a broad vision of the world. She knows that her family loves her and is close to her siblings. She has struggled to get through college, skimping and saving and staying determined. She is a woman who can survive, get by, and support herself.

However, he enters abusive relationships; just like Amy. Michael breaks his ribs, blackens his eyes, and kicks him in the kidney. Then he cradles her. Oh honey, he says, I love you so much. Why do you have to go and push my buttons?

Then meet Kurt.

… he knows that I am a battered woman and he loves me anyway. It turns on even though it knows … that I can be ugly and I can … make someone so mad that they hit me.

Attentive and loving, Kurt is also jealous, demanding, and sexualizes his wife. She likes to be dressed in miniskirts, tight tops, stockings, and high heels. He even ‘forces’ her to enlarge her breasts that she doesn’t want and is often ‘inappropriate’ in public – a disconcerting echo of her father.

Amy has also experienced a difficult marriage, weight problems, and cancer. Even after becoming single, losing weight and working successfully, loneliness leads her to the web, where she meets Ron Lee Ball.

Meanwhile, Kurt’s behavior becomes more jealous and erratic. He even leaves Janine on the beach, asleep, leaving her to dehydrate and burn. He’s gone … pissed off … Until recently I would have run after him …

Rebuilding her life and self-esteem as a single woman, Janine is on an upward path when she gets the call about Amy.

Hello, candy, I say. What are you doing?

I’m planting impatience … I’m also using my bread maker, he says.

I say I love you.

I love you too, she says.

I will never speak to her again.

if i’m missing or deadit is as much an honest account of love, violence, and loss as it is a cautionary tale. Battered women, especially if they stay, and they almost always stay, are viewed by many as weak, stupid, or, in some cases, deserving. This book can shatter those false beliefs. Latus shows his ownership by his actions. Despite being an educated and successful woman, she believes that she needs the love of a man, one who obviously loves her very much despite what he brings to the relationship. He’s also not reluctant to admit that he could give as much as he received, at least initially. However, over time, eroded by constant criticism, opportunistic insults and emotional blackmail, it succumbs to a deeply psychological level.

Her first relationship with a man, that of her father, is far from ideal and is in fact abusive in itself. Latus never falls into a maudlin state of blaming him. She presents her family with a degree of calm and dispassion, allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions. This comes from his journalistic skills and is an admirable account of some difficult times and experiences, as well as one of love, fun, and togetherness.

This journalistic approach, and his consummate writing skills, give this autobiographical account an additional level of validity and easy reading, to the point of wanting to turn the page instead of turning off the light.

And examples: when someone in the family called Amy, including her mother, Ron would answer the phone and make up some excuse why they couldn’t talk to her, effectively isolating her. He even told his mother that he had killed her and buried her in the backyard. Although he made everyone feel awkward and far from funny, they thought he was just making sick jokes. They couldn’t suspect what would happen.

Highly recommended, especially for those who want to know the signs of when a loved one is in trouble, but don’t say so.